By G. Grimstad | This Week in Video Games
The racing world was shocked today when the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (“USADA”) released a 600 page report regarding an elaborate blood doping conspiracy headed by five-time Green Hills Marathon champion Sonic the Hedgehog. Dr. Ivo Robotnik, the USADA’s lead investigator, stated that the evidence conclusively established that Sonic has been taking performance-enhancing substances since as early as 2002.
At a press conference held outside USADA headquarters in Colorado Springs, Dr. Robotnik stated: “Team Sega came under investigation once Miles Prower, better known as ‘Tails’, sprouted a second tail in July of last year. As many of you already know, spontaneous appendage growth is one of the telltale signs of blood doping.”
When pressed for details regarding Sonic’s ability to never test positive for any performance enhancing substance during his incredible career, Robotnik responded: “Sonic employed a variety of techniques to avoid testing positive for any PEDs. These techniques ranged from the highly sophisticated, such as developing new blood-boosting hormones for which testing had not been perfected, to the relatively mundane, such as simply evading USADA testers.” In response to questions as to how the world’s most famous hedgehog was able to avoid USADA testers for almost a decade Robotnik quipped, “He’s really fast?” He went on to say, “Sonic was one of the preeminent runners of his generation, but even the world’s fastest hedgehog couldn’t outrun justice.”
This is not the first time that Sonic has faced allegations of utilizing pharmaceuticals to gain a competitive advantage. In 2006, disgraced runner Knuckles the Echidna, three time Green Hill Marathon runner-up (since vacated), testified before Congress that during his time on Team Sega, from 2003 to 2005, he had participated in numerous blood doping rituals and personally witnessed Sonic injecting himself with the hormone EPO: “It’s simply not possible. We are up there in the hills, running seven, ten hours a day in ninety degree weather. It’s just not hedgehogly possible for Sonic to do what he does.”
Despite Knuckles’ warnings, no formal action was initiated against Sonic. Many dismissed Knuckles’ statements as an attempt to retaliate against Sega teammates, including Sonic, who refused to testify on his behalf during hearings that ultimately culminated in him receiving a lifetime ban from the sport. It is unclear at this point whether Sonic himself will have to forfeit his coins, although Robotnik indicated that was a strong possibility.
Neither Sonic nor his agent could be reached for comment. Sonic, 21, retired from racing in 2008 and is now a member of the Super Smash Brother’s League. The hedgehog has his own brand of running apparel, as well as a charity devoted to the humane treatment of animals.