Sources: Donkey Kong asks for release from Nintendo

By J. Montrose and G. Grimstad | This Week in Video Games

Donkey Kong met with Nintendo president, Satoru Iwata, on Saturday and informed him of his desire to be traded to Sony or released, according to sources with knowledge of the situation. This was Iwata’s first meeting with the tie-wearing, barrel-throwing gorilla since the offseason began.

Reports indicate that DK informed Iwata that he would become a free agent after this season and had no intention of resigning with Nintendo, citing the franchise’s inability to surround him with a competitive supporting cast.

After the meeting, the ape briefly met with the press, stating: “It’s not a money issue. It is absolutely not a money issue. I have more money than I know what to do with. Honestly, I can only do so much. I am just one gorilla. I can only do so much. I need a team around me and I don’t like the direction things have been heading since Super Smash Bros. We had chemistry back then. Now, we are a team of rivals. Mario and Bowser, Link and Ganondorf, now Kirby and Metaknight. There’s no end to the infighting. I know Mario and I were enemies once, but that was another era, and we put aside our differences to try and make Nintendo great, and I’d say we succeeded.”

He went on to say: “Now, there’s no respect. And on top of that, we have made too many redundant or pointless free agent acquisitions. Did we really need Lucas? We have Ness. Were the additions of Falco and Star Wolf really going to help us in the playoffs? I don’t even know what Olimar does. Is he even viable in combat? And, honestly, after Mewto asked for a new contract and was traded, I started to question this team’s commitment to win. Why should I keep playing for them until my fist no longer charges up?”

When asked about his own commitment to the team, he replied: “I don’t think anyone can seriously question my commitment. How many times have I picked up an opponent and suicided off a ledge in order to protect a lead? Every time we have a lead? I mean literally every time. No, it’s not cheap, that’s how you win in this league. You get dirty and it’s rough.”

“It’s rough on the body; it’s rough on the mind. And it’s rough on the family, too, man. Cranky Kong passed away while I was on a Funky Flight back from Japan. I get to spend two weeks a year, tops, in Donkey Kong Country. And for what? A first round exit?”

The final question of the day regarded whether Kong had lost a step, lost the competitive edge: “I don’t know, man. Honestly, I’d say we all lose a step, eventually. Back in Melee we had heavy hitters like Fox and Peach. Not anymore. Have I? I don’t know. I’m a brawler, but the game’s all about this floaty crap now. No one wants to get dirty in the trenches anymore.”

Since his fighting debut in 1999, Donkey Kong has a career average of 1.8 kills per death. While this pales in comparison to the 3.1 kill/death ratio of Fox McCloud, the active career leader, Kong has posted an impressive 72% win ratio, thanks in large part to his ability to aggressively protect leads. He is known for killing an opponent, despite taking a severe beating, then grappling his respawned foe and leaping to their joint deaths.

Despite criticisms that this tactic is both unfair and unsporting, in 2002 Kong famously said: “Don’t like it? Don’t go near the edge. That’s my turf.”

2 comments

  1. […] this week, Donkey Kong, one of the most popular Nintendo characters, reportedly asked to be traded or released by the Japanese company. “We were all disappointed with how the team performed this season. I […]

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