Fellow parents, please be careful. You will not believe what I have just discovered. Selena Gomez’s Naturally is about sex and/or male genitalia. I know, I know. You think I’m one of those paranoid parents, but hear me out.
When I bought Kiss & Tell for my daughter, I was a little skeptical of the title. However, it had wholesome sounding songs like The Way I Love You, a tribute to the Four Tops, and Stop & Erase, which advocates careful proofreading. As such, I paid the nine dollars, surprised my little girl on her fourteenth birthday, and haven’t really thought about the album since then.
Yesterday, Naturally came on the radio and, at first, I thought it was about expressing oneself naturally. Finding one’s own little niche in the world; being confident in who you are and what not. Not so. I woke up in a cold sweat in the dead of night and realized that there is another possible explanation for many of those lyrics.
This morning, after my daughter left for school, I transcribed the lyrics from the CD jacket into a notebook and, after thorough examination, have determined that these songs are quite scandalous.
Here is just some of the filth:
- “You follow what you feel inside, it’s intuitive you don’t have to try.” I shudder to think what he’s feeling inside. Probably fallopian tubes.
- “Mmm, it comes naturally.” I will leave that to your imagination.
- “It takes my breath away what you do so naturally.” This is somewhat ambiguous, but when you look at it in the overall context of the song, I think Ms. Gomez is talking about penetration.
- “When you are with me, baby, everything comes naturally.” Honestly, I don’t understand how these record executives can sleep at night. The CD booklet needs to be recalled so that the word “comes” is given a different vowel and no E, if you catch my drift.
Outrageous. No one told me that Ms. Gomez was the second coming of Hester Prynne. As a parent, how am I supposed to stay on top of all this? In an effort to prevent things of this nature from occurring in the future, I will be going door to door in order to get signatures for my FCC petition. Clearly, the administrative agencies who were supposed to be overseeing this particular issue have not been carrying out their duties as diligently as one might have hoped. Shame on you, Ms. Gomez, for trying to corrupt my child. Shame on you, FCC, for not having ‘Harlot’ branded onto this album’s cover. Shame on you.